I don’t really know what is the purpose behind this. All I know is that I need to pen down something, anything. I shouldn’t be this sad. I’m happy. But I’m sad. Yes, cliche quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. “I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
Well, progressing from Charlie, I have figured it out. One thing I did learn from my past years, figuring things out doesn’t make things any easier, it just makes thing clearer - regardless of things being possible or impossible.
I don’t really know where I stand right now. All I know is that I am in the state of being both happy and sad. I admit, I wish I wasn’t sad. But I just keep telling myself, “Hey, you can’t have everything”.
So back to my “sappness” state, it goes back to me having loved and lost. Some may say “lost” is an exaggerated description of the states of some of my friendships, but it isn’t to me. These are the people that mean so much to me, and somewhere along the way, things just don’t fit. And things not fitting, or things not feeling or being right, it’s not exaggerated because it matters. It matters to me alot.
(I feel stupid as I just typed that, because the cynical side of me is saying “If they really meant a lot to you, you can do more even if you feel like you’ve done a lot already.” — and this is where anger and bitterness comes in. I am sick of being having to be the bigger person, the one who pacifies, the one who says “Hey, yknow what, its okay. Let bygones be bygones. I love you.”. I’m sick of that because it is not okay. It was never okay. It’s not okay that these issues arose - whatever they may be - and it is even more not okay that we’re not okay. Well for most. Some, I just really hate.)
But again, I can’t have everything right?
So where do I stand. Where do I stand between caring for someone that is of extreme importance and common friends who are of the same importance but packaged in a different way. Please tell me. For the longest time now, I feel like I took away something from you guys, yet I never did. My conscious is clear. I never did. If that is what you felt, then you could have told me. Instead of making me have irrational fears and feels.
And if this is not the case, then I wish you guys could have welcomed me a lot less coldly.
And if this is still not the case, then why are you guys acting differently towards me?
Well then, I guess I still have to do something about this by the end of the day. I don’t know if I can be bothered. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. And I don’t know why I can’t let it go.
It is one of the main sources of why things are bad for me, of why we have heated emotional discussions. So where do I stand?
Do I stand beside what I love? Or do I let you guys have your way?
Love comes in different packages. Exactly which one do I take?
& I have chosen.
Love chooses love even when you love and lost along the way. Love protects what is right.
If any of these makes sense at all. Any sense at all.
By the end of the day, I’m just so blessed to have happiness in my life. Even if there are sad bits.
Oia, Santorini Island, Greece
The first innovative bicycle path in the Netherlands will be paved with light stones that will charge during the day and emit light during the evening. The path will run by the home that Vincent van Gogh lived in from 1883-5
Tbt, 🐝. A whole bit.
if my boyfriend does this to me, that is it. we’re through. hahah
reblog and make a wish!
this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.
i finally figured it out